


so far away (from where you are)

by seekrest



Series: IronDad Bingo [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Precious Peter Parker, Protective Pepper Potts, Tony Stark Gets a Hug, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-04
Updated: 2020-03-04
Packaged: 2021-02-23 07:55:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23008222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seekrest/pseuds/seekrest
Summary: Pepper walks in, the smile on her face immediately falling as she sees Tony - arms rigid and gripping the couch, his legs firmly planted on the floor.“Tony?”Tony gasps, looking to her. Pepper’s eyes are firm, her jaw tightening as she slowly walks towards him, picking up Morgan.“Tony, look at me.”He sees her but he doesn’t, he can’t. Tony’s mind, his heart, his breathing - all racing.How could I forget?—IronDad Bingo: Birthday
Relationships: Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Series: IronDad Bingo [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1652680
Comments: 32
Kudos: 319





	so far away (from where you are)

The cry wakes Tony up before FRIDAY does, instant in the way it always was. 

“Boss.” 

“I hear her, Fri.” Tony groans, rolling over in bed to see Pepper - trying to pretend as if she was asleep. Tony smiles, nudging her with his elbow.

“Your daughter’s awake.” Pepper murmurs into her pillow, Tony leaning over to press a kiss to her forehead as he laughs. 

“Before sunrise, she’s _your_ daughter.” 

Pepper snaps open her eyes, smirking. “Are you actually quoting _The Lion King_?” 

Tony shrugs, leaning over to kiss her once more. “What can I say, the kid’s got me watching cartoons.” He turns away, rolling out of bed as he stretched, hearing her soft laughter as he shuts their bedroom door. 

Pepper was exhausted, it didn’t bother Tony that she was trying to get more sleep. Though he made every effort to be as intentional and as active as he could, Pepper was up more times than not during the night - feeding Morgan, comforting her.

Tony didn’t sleep much, hadn’t in years so when he finally did - Pepper seemed to allow him the chance to rest. 

Tony makes his way down the hall, pushing open the bedroom door to see Morgan - standing up in her crib, wailing with her hands outstretched. 

“What’s the matter, little miss? No one’s paid attention to you in the past, what— three hours?” Morgan lets out another pitiful cry, Tony smiling as he walks toward her crib - leaning down to grab her. 

Ten months old and she already seemed aware of the power she had over Tony, her cries immediately stopping as soon as she’s in his arms, resting her forehead on his shoulder. 

“Oh, I see how it is.” Tony bounces her, Morgan’s cheeks still wet with tears. He wipes them away with the sleeve of shirt, Morgan wriggling away from it. 

“Come on, kiddo. Let’s get some food in you.” 

* * *

Tony sits on the couch, watching as Morgan babbled to herself, putting a block in her mouth as some brightly colored and obnoxious cartoon played in the background. Pepper was likely in the shower by now, Tony leaning back as he watched his daughter play.

It was a quiet life, domestic in a way that Tony felt he would never be worthy of. Their cabin had been a place of refuge, a separation from the havoc the rest of the world was facing. 

Pepper was still involved, working to leverage SI’s resources - even in the midst of chaos - to try and help ease the wounds of a world left behind.

Tony didn’t - if only because he was committed to being there for Morgan. 

It was an unspoken agreement between the two of them, an understanding. 

Tony fully supported what Pepper was doing and in another life - he’d be right there with her. 

But a year and a half after the end - after he’d _lost_ \- it was still too soon for him to even think about stepping out there, even if he wondered if he ever really would again. 

His phone chimes, Tony’s eyebrows furrowing at the sound. Rhodey was off on some mission overseas, wasn’t supposed to be calling in till tonight. Happy was in the city, doing whatever it is that he did these days. 

The only other people in the world Tony cared to hear from were in the shower or were drooling in front of him. 

He gets his phone out of his pocket, eyes widening as his stomach drops. 

**REMINDER**

**Lottery, cigarettes, voting, tattoo (???)**

Tony feels an immediate pressure on his chest, his breath hitching as he glances towards Morgan, completely oblivious to the panic crawling up and down Tony’s spine. 

It’s sudden, crushing, the way his vision starts blur, his throat closing. Tony grips the couch cushions underneath him, trying and failing to control his gasps. 

_How the hell did I forget?_

Pepper walks in, hair still wet and a bright smile on her face - only for it to immediately fall as she sees Tony - arms rigid and gripping the couch, his legs firmly planted on the floor. 

Morgan looks up to her, starts to babble. 

“Tony.” 

Tony gasps, looking to her. Pepper’s eyes are firm, her jaw tightening as she slowly walks towards him, picking up Morgan. Morgan immediately lurches forward, trying to get back to the floor but Pepper’s own grip on her is firm. 

“Tony, look at me.”

He sees her but he doesn’t, he can’t. Tony’s mind, his heart, his breathing - all racing. 

_How could I forget?_

* * *

Tony’s pacing around the compound’s lab, watching Peter as he does his homework. Peter keeps lightly tapping his pen to the paper in front of him, the sound of it aggravating Tony. 

“Kid, can you stop for a minute?” Peter looks up innocently, watching as Tony continues to pace. 

“Stop… doing my homework?”

“Stop with the—” Tony motions Peter’s tapping, sighing, “Can’t you focus some other way?”

Peter made a face, looking at Tony up and down.

“You alright, Mr. Stark?”

Tony wasn’t, running his hand over his face as he continued to pace. He and Pepper’s anniversary - at least the one they had officially decided for themselves, considering the shit they’d been through - was coming up and he was at a complete loss for what to get her. 

Her agreeing to try again, rekindling their relationship for the umpteenth - it was as if life had given Tony a second chance, even if the idea for what to get her felt completely out of his depth. 

It was ridiculous, a billionaire without an idea of what to get the love of his life.

But what could he really get Pepper that she would truly want? An island? More diamonds? Well-needed vacation time? Another floor-to-ceiling stuffed rabbit?

Tony thought a lot about proposing, though the idea that some paper would do anything more to solidly their commitment to each other was laughable. As it was, Tony couldn’t help but wonder if Pepper would laugh at him if he did so - remembering the look on her face when Happy had thrown him that ring. 

“Mr. Stark?”

Peter’s questioning brings him out of his thoughts, shaking his head as he walks towards where Peter’s sitting. 

“Nothing, kid. Don’t worry about it. Grown up stuff.”

Peter rolls his eyes. “I’m sixteen, not six. I can handle a lot more than you think.”

“Oh, I know full well what you can handle, Pete. I saw the footage of your little tango of a knife fight last night.” Peter shrugs, though Tony watches as he averts his eyes away from him.

“It’s nothing I couldn’t handle.”

“Says you, the sixteen year old.” Tony jokes, “Come on, kid work with me. I’m trying _not_ to have your scary aunt murder me. Can you at least pretend like you’ll be careful? Try not give me a heart attack... at least until you’re eighteen.”

Peter rolled his eyes again, glancing back down to his homework.

“What does turning eighteen even matter anyway? One minute you’re a kid and then suddenly poof, you’re magically an adult?”

Tony shrugs. “That’s how the law works, kid. I can’t help you there.”

“At least I’ll finally be able to register to vote.” Peter offers, putting his chin in his hands as Tony smirks.

“Of course _your_ first thoughts would go to something ridiculously wholesome. Aren’t you from Queens? What about getting cigarettes or a tattoo or something?” 

Peter balks, laughing as he says, “Hold up, you _want_ me to start smoking?”

“I didn’t say that,” Tony puts a hand up, “I said how the hell does your mind not go to what any normal teenager would want?”

Peter grins. “Well clearly, I’m just a better person than you are, Mr. Stark.”

Tony can tell Peter’s only joking but Tony just smiles, putting a hand on his shoulder.

“Don’t have to convince me of that, Pete. You always have been.”

* * *

Tony hears Pepper faintly in the background, a ringing in his ears as the memory fades away. 

He’d put the reminder in his phone later when the kid left, a joke to himself that he’d looked forward to harassing him about it when he turned eighteen.

FRIDAY must have carried it over, nothing in her coding to indicate that this would be something that would send him hurtling off the edge.

Two years. Over two years since that day at the compound, one of countless that all blurred together endlessly - painful and gut-wrenching. 

He can feel the pressure of Pepper’s hand on his arm, his mind trying and failing to bring him back out of the panic overtaking him. 

_“I don’t feel so good.”_

Tony shoots up off the couch, startling both Pepper and Morgan as the next memory threatens to overtake him, his hands shaking as he tries to regain control.

Tony closes his eyes, the ringing growing louder and louder - drowning out anything else.

Dust. Agony. The deep and relentless emptiness he’d felt as Peter faded away into nothing. 

Tony puts a hand out to the wall, bracing himself as he struggled to bring oxygen back into his lungs. 

Pepper left the room, Tony can’t bring himself to think of why. Because then he glances up, grasping for anything to ground him - to bring himself back to the present. 

What he sees instead is a snapshot of Peter, eyes bright and smile wide. It’d been an intentional choice to put pictures of him up when they’d moved in, a way for Tony to try - slowly but surely - to incorporate him into Morgan’s life. 

But seeing the picture now - Tony’s small semblance of stability fading away each second - just sends him careening over into the dark pit of overwhelming grief.

It’s piercing, agonizing, an anguish that Tony both wishes he could get rid of and yet selfishly clings to. He never forgot Peter, never let himself forget how much he failed him. But for a brief moment, he’d allowed himself some peace - wholly consumed with Morgan that the reminder he’d set for Peter’s eighteenth birthday had completely slipped his mind.

He sinks to the floor, his breath shaky and irregular.

_I’m sorry, Pete._

_I’m so sorry._

* * *

The rest of the day passes by in a blur, Tony vaguely aware of Pepper’s presence by his side.

She spoke to him, soothingly though Tony couldn’t catch the words. He was on the floor one minute and in their bed the next, Pepper having covered him in a blanket and holding him from behind.

A part of his mind registers that there’s Morgan, that she needed to be cared for. But Pepper seemed to be focused solely on him, his own mind struggling to focus on anything but the child he’d lost.

It aches at Tony, the guilt of forgetting Peter’s birthday, the guilt of not being more present for Morgan. Torn and twisted, he lets the grief wash over him - staring blankly at the wall until his vision blurs.

He’d found a small slice of happiness in the midst of chaos, an island of hope among all the devastation and pain. 

Yet feeling Pepper’s soft breathing behind him, her hand across his waist as she brings him close, Tony lets himself feel - for the first time in months - the magnitude of what he had lost. 

He’d lost the kid.

He’d failed him.

And what was worse, he hadn’t even remembered that it would be his birthday. 

Tony closed his eyes, burrowed into himself, sobbing until the exhaustion overwhelmed him, slipping off into a dreamless sleep. 

* * *

He wakes hours later, Pepper still comfortably his side. She’s sleeping, Tony listening to her steady and measured breathing. He glances up back to the wall, bringing himself back to the present.

The darkness, the grief is still at the forefront, threatening to overtake him again but he takes a deep, shaking breath, trying to will himself not to tumble over again. 

He slowly but carefully extracts himself from Pepper’s embrace, watching as she just leans into the comforter around her. He’ll have to talk with her later, thank her for this - even if Tony knew there was nothing to thank her for.

They were in this together - grief, joy, agony and love - no matter what, one of the many things he loved about her. 

Tony goes towards their bedroom door anyway, slowly walking out as he glances down the hall.

He can hear someone in the kitchen, his mind now connecting the dots that Pepper had no doubt called someone, probably Happy, to come be around for Morgan while she tended to Tony.

It was another unspoken agreement, one Tony wasn’t a part of and yet was fully aware. An agreement between his closest friends, his family - to be there for him no matter the cost.

Tony felt as if he didn’t deserve a lot of what was given to him, but he was at least thankful for this. 

He’ll meet up with whoever’s in the kitchen for a minute to thank them too, quietly opening the door to Morgan’s room.

Tony sees her in her crib, sleeping, sprawled out in a way that makes Tony smile. 

He walks over to her, looking down as he tries to ignore the sob building in the back of his throat.

Losing Peter had been the greatest failure of his life, the anguish of him fading away into nothing something that still pierced his soul.

Yet he’d found - inexplicably and undeservingly - a second chance with Morgan.

She could never replace Peter, she never would. But had it not been for him - had it not been for Tony _losing_ him - Tony wonders if he would have ever allowed himself the chance to try again.

Being a father was the greatest joy of his life, second only to marrying Pepper.

But as he watched his daughter sleep, his eyes blurring with tears, Tony feels the profound sense of loss for the kid he had loved as a son - the boy he’d never get to see again.

Tony brushes some of Morgan’s hair out of her face, hand trembling. He brings a kiss to her forehead, watching with both joy and sorrow as she slightly moved from the touch. 

“Happy birthday, Pete.” Tony softly whispered, smiling down at Morgan.

She was his second chance - but Peter would always be the first kid he’d ever loved as a child. 

He had lost Peter.

But Tony promised himself that he’d never allow another one of his birthdays to pass without remembering ever again.

**Author's Note:**

> If this looks familiar, it’s cause it is! Reposting my IronDad bingos to give people the chance to bookmark stories separately :)


End file.
